Tuesday, May 22, 2012

And then there was us

Howard and I are doing well. We weather through the storms as needed and are joyous when the water has a rare calm moment. Mackenzie says we orbit each other and how that might be true, the constant flow of life sometimes keeps our eyes on other things instead of each other, that's true for any couple but that certainly doesn't mean that our relationship isn't good. It is good, and healthy, I believe.
Howard is doing well at work, as he always does. He got a raise and a great evaluation on his birthday (April 18th). Work can be a timing challenge if he has too much/too spread out of a route but that is basically the extent of it. Howard is one of those people who thrives on challenge and enjoys it immensely. He loves pressure, work wise...keeps him on his toes and makes him focus. He has never gotten that from this job, but in this economy he has a decent paying job where he is home every night (as opposed to a long haul truck driver where he is home every three weeks) and he's very good at it. Well, what's the problem? Howard graduated College one year ago and he has yet to use his degree for anything other than a wall decoration. He got a degree in business not because he just wanted a degree but because he generally loves business. He wants to be at the root of the business and help it run smoothly. He has been with this company for two and a half years and in those years he successfully graduated College and has applied for other positions within the company to try to move up and use his skills, ideas and knowledge but has yet to have any movement other than driving seniority. Over the years, he has had many talks with the President of the company, whom he trusts and truly likes as a person and a boss. Most of those talks had to do with productivity in some way and ways that Howard thinks that things can run more smoothly. The man has spent countless hours even typing these things out and giving it to the upper management. Some changes of his were implemented, but no one had the initiative that Howard had to follow them through and of course, Howard got no credit. Having so much passion and knowledge in this field it is very hard for him to sit back and watch his bosses have to deal with problems that he feels  he could easily fix. He has so much drive but no where to put it and it is frustrating him. Badly. He is trapped in a bubble and can't get out and he fears the only way to get out is to leave the company, but he doesn't want to, he loves this company. Never the less, he has applied for other jobs, but doesn't want one like he has now. Trying to find a management position has not been easy (obviously, or he'd already be in one). He still has hope that his current company will realize his potential...that's not accurate...they do realize it...they have just yet to utilize it. He yearns for that and I know he prays for them to snap to attention before he finds another company who will.
Oh, me. Geez. Well, at the end of February I started a journal. I needed an outlet for my feelings and issues and also a place where I could visualize and brainstorm. My thought process is so erratic at times, being pulled in so many directions I needed a place to focus on it, so out came the journal. I have written every day. Writing not just my feelings and issues but marking things done or not done and keeping track of my health and general well being on top of keeping track of my weight loss. Millions of people make New Year Resolutions to lose weight, be healthy, ect. I refused this year, having done it every year. I just said I wanted to turn myself around this year, go back to being me...finding me. One of those is shedding a lot of unhealthy weight that has been on my body for years. I can never recall a time where I wasn't overweight...ever. As of January I am at my highest weight ever, having daily anxiety attacks, crying all the time, constantly feeling just terrible. My thyroid was crazy, my blood sugar and blood pressure were erratic. And then it hit me. I was about to turn 28 years old and I have no idea who I am anymore but I know that my children need me...my husband needs me...I want to grow old with my husband...I have got to do something. So, I quit my vices...coke a cola and fast food. I have a deep, disgusting love for both. Then, I cut my portion sizes and started making better choices in what I was eating. Generally I cut down to about 1000-1,500 calories per day as opposed to about 4000 a day. I started to get more energy, my blood sugar and blood pressure regulated themselves. My depression and anxiety that literally ruled my every waking moment one day just...didn't. I would like to say that I started all of this on January 1st...and I did in part but really I dedicated myself to it on March 14th...during spring break where I was just fed up with myself. Since I started I have lost 44 pounds. I am very proud of every one of those pounds. The past three weeks I haven't lost anything...I haven't gained either. I am at a plateau and know I need to leap off of it by changing things up. I need to be more diligent on my calorie in take and I need more to exercise, and I need help. Exercise at home is not an option because frankly I can find  other things I need to be doing like housework, or making a kid lunch, or doing laundry...something...excuses. Walking has been what I have been doing but with the increasing heat and my intolerance to the heat and to the sun it is literally like hell on Earth for me. So, by considering what all they have to offer as a family we decided to join the local YMCA. However, with our finances we can't afford the membership cost so we had to apply for their financial aid program in hope we could get a discounted membership rate. We applied for it on Friday, May 11th and still haven't heard a word from them, Howard is going to call them tomorrow if we haven't heard from them by then. At the end of April I found out about a program through the county that helps low income adults go to college and choose from a wide variety of high demand careers and the county organization will pay for it. For college...I might be able to go to college, and they would pay for it! I am ecstatic! On June 5th is an orientation to find out about the program and set up a testing date (they need to make sure you can academically handle college) to see if I can get into the program. I am petrified and excited. School is hard, especially with my lifestyle but I want this and need this so bad.
I am so hopeful, about so many things going on right now and that is a far cry of how 2012 started for me.


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