Update: Last Thursday my Grandfather, Mom and her siblings were able to scatter my Grandmother's ashes into the Bay. It was an insanely windy day on the water. Some of the ashes went into the water, some blew off in the breeze. They are doing very well, all things considered. They have good and bad days.
We are doing well. Howard has been working as much as he can to prepare for the Christmas Holidays and to make up for the time he has had to take off and will have to take off in the future. I have been busy with...I was going to say the kids, but my Dad as well, doing the every day norm which seems to be more stressful than usual. Getting ready for some PTA events coming up after Thanksgiving.
Speaking of Thanksgiving, it's going to be a good one. We're having family and friends over and planning lots of great food and a really great game.
We are having numerous challenges with my Dad. So many that are so embarrassing and out of character for him I don't even want to mention it. Things are not pretty. He needs so much more help than I can provide for him but outright refuses to get help from those who can. He is a very angry person and regularly takes it out on me and the kids. I...don't know what to do anymore. The challenges that having him live with us are so far fetched. So much more than just having another adult in our tiny apartment.
It doesn't help my comping mechanisms to also have another blow to them. I had to quit taking my anxiety/depression medication that I've been on for 3 weeks because Howard and I realized that I was showing symptoms of having an allergic reaction. Looked it up...yep...I'm allergic to it. Annnnnd my Doctor won't return my calls. So I'm unmedicated, way overworked and insanely stressed. Not a good combo.
That's the theme for 2011...challenges. Thank God 2011 is almost over.
-Kristin
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
Sunday, November 6, 2011
So much, so little time
So much has happened over the past 22 days.
Wow, I...cannot believe it's been that long.
So the Wednesday after I posted the last entry my girls got their report cards, which were wonderful and I am very proud of both of them! They are both doing very well. Mackenzie made the honor roll and Maddie exceeded all of the teachers expectations.
The Saturday after that, Howard decided to take an entire weekend off, which he hadn't done since Labor day and he majorly needed it. We had planned on going to Sweet Berry Farms, like we did exactly one year ago but the girls decided they wanted to do something a bit more and asked their Daddy if we could go to the zoo. So, we spent the day at the San Antonio Zoo and had an absolute blast.
The following week was spent on the phone, a lot. My mom kept stressing that my Grandmother was going downhill, quickly. Her body was filling with fluid, and it was just a matter of time until her lungs started to fill as well. On Wednesday, October 26th my Mom called me and told me that my Grandmother (Mama Kay) had slipped into a coma and my aunt was on her way there. Once Mama Kay was surrounded by her children and an amazing Hospice Chaplain, Sissy, they told her it was okay to let go, they were all there, and she needed to let go. My mom told her that her parents were in Heaven partying it up and were waiting for her and that she'd finally get to hold Morgan (whom was named after her). Immediately her muscles relaxed, she smiled, and her breathing evened out. That evening we waited for a phone call, it never came. At 4:38am, on October 27th, 15 days after her 87th Birthday my mom called and said that Booka (my Grandfather) had requested that he was able to sleep next to his wife one last time, and they honored that. At about 4am he woke up to use the bathroom, came back in the room and she had stopped breathing. Always independent, she had to wait until she was completely alone to completely let go. HERE is her obituary, if you'd like to read it.
L to R: Eddy, Trisha (Uncle and Aunt), Philip Jr aka Booka, Karen aka Mom, Kathleen/Kay aka Mama Kay, Robbie and Philip III/Flip (Aunt and Uncle).
Taken in July, 2011.
♥ Kristin
Wow, I...cannot believe it's been that long.
So the Wednesday after I posted the last entry my girls got their report cards, which were wonderful and I am very proud of both of them! They are both doing very well. Mackenzie made the honor roll and Maddie exceeded all of the teachers expectations.
The Saturday after that, Howard decided to take an entire weekend off, which he hadn't done since Labor day and he majorly needed it. We had planned on going to Sweet Berry Farms, like we did exactly one year ago but the girls decided they wanted to do something a bit more and asked their Daddy if we could go to the zoo. So, we spent the day at the San Antonio Zoo and had an absolute blast.
The following week was spent on the phone, a lot. My mom kept stressing that my Grandmother was going downhill, quickly. Her body was filling with fluid, and it was just a matter of time until her lungs started to fill as well. On Wednesday, October 26th my Mom called me and told me that my Grandmother (Mama Kay) had slipped into a coma and my aunt was on her way there. Once Mama Kay was surrounded by her children and an amazing Hospice Chaplain, Sissy, they told her it was okay to let go, they were all there, and she needed to let go. My mom told her that her parents were in Heaven partying it up and were waiting for her and that she'd finally get to hold Morgan (whom was named after her). Immediately her muscles relaxed, she smiled, and her breathing evened out. That evening we waited for a phone call, it never came. At 4:38am, on October 27th, 15 days after her 87th Birthday my mom called and said that Booka (my Grandfather) had requested that he was able to sleep next to his wife one last time, and they honored that. At about 4am he woke up to use the bathroom, came back in the room and she had stopped breathing. Always independent, she had to wait until she was completely alone to completely let go. HERE is her obituary, if you'd like to read it.
L to R: Eddy, Trisha (Uncle and Aunt), Philip Jr aka Booka, Karen aka Mom, Kathleen/Kay aka Mama Kay, Robbie and Philip III/Flip (Aunt and Uncle).
Taken in July, 2011.
So, Friday night we packed up and headed to Bacliff, Tx to attend her memorial service and to help with anything that needed to be done for this quickly put together gathering. It was so good to see my Mom and be there for her. I was able to help my Aunts and Uncles out by doing errands and helping set up the memorial service which I was so glad to have a purpose with all of this. The memorial service...was beautiful. The Hospice Chaplain, Sissy, performed a memorial ceremony that was beautiful, personal and touching. Some of the grand kids said a few words, we watched a wonderful slide show of every digital picture taken over the last 10 years or so. We brought copies of photos we had that we placed throughout the house and in photo albums. It was a very nice day, Mama Kay would of loved it.
Since then, my mom has moved in with my Grandfather, until her apartment behind his house is done being built. They are doing as well as can be expected. They will scatter her ashes later this week in the Bay near their home, which was, by far, her favorite place on Earth.
Since then, my mom has moved in with my Grandfather, until her apartment behind his house is done being built. They are doing as well as can be expected. They will scatter her ashes later this week in the Bay near their home, which was, by far, her favorite place on Earth.
♥ Kristin
Saturday, October 15, 2011
Loss Remembrance Day
They say there is a reason,
They say that time will heal,
But neither time nor reason,
Will change the way I feel,
For no-one knows the heartache,
That lies behind our smiles,
No-one knows how many times,
We have broken down and cried,
We want to tell you something,
So there won't be any doubt,
You're so wonderful to think of,
But so hard to be without.
We couldn't wait to hold you
And see your pretty face.
To count your little fingers,
And check your toes are in their place.
It should have been the happiest day
To remember all our life.
But joy had turned to heartache,
No breath, no beat, no life.
We will never see you smile,
Or hear your hearty cry.
We will never be able to dry your tears,
Or share your happy times.
Our precious little Angel,
We will always know your face.
In our hearts and stars forever,
You will always have a place.
A million times I've missed you, a million times I've cried.
If love alone could have saved you, you never would have died.
To some you are forgotten, to others just part of the past;
but to me who loved and lost you, your love will always last.
It broke my heart to lose you, you didn't go alone,
for my life went with you -sweetheart- the day angels called you home.
For things on earth didn't matter, but now I feel so alone,
My heart will always be broken, my life will never be whole.
We might be parted for awhile, our hearts will always be together
for one day soon we will hold hands again forever.
My sweet Morgan, the pain I feel for not having you with me, to not see you with your twin is so great I feel it will swallow me whole. I never want to rid myself of the pain, because it is a constant physical reminder, of validation that you were here, that you existed.
Morgan Kathleen
15 3/4 inches-2 pounds
Stillborn on January 9, 2007
15 3/4 inches-2 pounds
Stillborn on January 9, 2007
Wednesday, October 5, 2011
Saturday, October 1, 2011
Cheap and Easy Rustic Handkerchief Wreath
Are you ready for a super cheap and easy wreath?
This is seriously one of the easiest and least expensive home decor projects I have ever done.
I made a wreath for Halloween, but this can be used for any occasion, Holiday or Season. I got my inspiration for this project from Huckleberry Prairie
Total Price: $5.41 Time: 30 Minutes
{Helpful Hint: Click on any picture to make it bigger}
MATERIALS:
This is seriously one of the easiest and least expensive home decor projects I have ever done.
I made a wreath for Halloween, but this can be used for any occasion, Holiday or Season. I got my inspiration for this project from Huckleberry Prairie
Total Price: $5.41 Time: 30 Minutes
{Helpful Hint: Click on any picture to make it bigger}
MATERIALS:
One 12" wicker type wreath. I got mine at Dollar Tree for...wait for it...$1!
No fewer than 3 handkerchiefs/bandannas. I used 4 just to get the colors and style I wanted, so this tutorial will go on the assumption you have 4. I payed $.99 each for these at Hobby Lobby.
You also need a good, sharp pair of scissors.
DIRECTIONS: Cut each of your handkerchiefs in half. {Helpful Hint: I make a small cut and rip the rest of the way, so much faster!} Put the other halves of the handkerchief to the side, you will need it later. Pile one of each of the halves in a stack like the picture below:
Then cut through all 4 {Hence, why you need sharp scissors} into 1 1/2- 2 inch strips. Not an exact science, eyeball it. Hence why it's a 'rustic' wreath. {Apparently rustic in my book means that you're too lazy to measure}
Once you have cut up the handkerchiefs put them in piles according to color and pattern you want to use for your wreath.
Then, using your starting color, wrap around the wicker wreath and tie a double knot like the picture below:
Then you just keep on going...
See, it's already looking cute!When you have about 6" of the wicker wreath still showing get the remaining halves that I told you to put aside earlier. Choose to of the colors and cut a 2" strip of 2 of the handkerchiefs. About 3" from the ends of those pieces, tie them together with a double knot (just like you're doing around the wreath. Then, the tails of the knotted bow you just created tie in a double knot to the exposed part of the wreath which creates the hanger as shown below:
Then keep going all around, even in between the double knots you created with the hanger to give it more stability. The more you bunch the knot bows together, the fuller it looks. And then finally you have something that looks like this...
Hope you enjoyed the tutorial! I know I sure enjoyed making this today. Got my mind off of my Fighting Texas Aggies who have developed a theme this season of losing their minds in the second half. Anyway, have fun and please shoot me an email or leave me a comment if you do this! I'd love to see how yours turns out!Happy October!
♥ Kristin
Friday, September 30, 2011
Delusions
My mother has court on Tuesday, October 4th. She also gets paid around that time {She receives Social Security Disability} and cannot access her money because my Dad has her debit card.
So, she's coming back.
And yesterday this text conversation occurred: {exact texts are in Italics}
Mom: So I will be there Sun evening and was gonna share Mackenzie's bed is that a problem?
Ha, you ask...but you already know.
Me: That is not possible. Dad is still here, obviously and he has told everyone he has come into contact with that he fully intends to strangle you the next time he sees you. Also, Howard does NOT want to see you. Also, I am still beyond hurt and angry about what you took off and left me to deal with, with no regard to what you ere leaving in your wake and I am not the only one that feels that way.
Mom: I made some really bad choices. My mother is dying and my Dad's heart is breaking and I cannot undo what I have done. I will stay in a motel but can I see the kids and can you take me to court?
Me: Yes, you most certainly did. And I know what your parents are going through is a terrible ordeal. But as noble as your purpose is for being there it doesn't erase what you did to Dad, me, Howard and the kids. They don't cancel each other out. And yes, you can see the kids, and yes, I will take you to court.
Mom: Thank u
Mom: There was nothing noble about wrecking mine and y'all's life and I will be sorry and pay for it forever. I make bad decisions anyway but this hurt, this helpless grief I am going through right no is pretty overwhelming and I just want to cuddle both my parents in my arms and make it better, but I can't.
Me: No, there wasn't. And I'm surprised you're sorry because you sure haven't said it. I can appreciate what you're going through Mom. I can't say I understand it because I've never gone through that but I can imagine. I am thankful that you are there for them and for you but like I said, it;s hard to deal with the level of betrayal that you committed against us. You have no idea what it feels like to always back someone up, always try to help them through anything hard in life no matter what to have them all but physically spit in your face. It hurts, and I'm angry, but that's temporary, I'll get over it. What IS important is what your parents are going through but I cannot ignore what I have been through either. I cannot allow you into my home, a home full of people with a lot of negative emotion towards you and act like nothing happened.
Mom: I did say sorry, that day on your bed {She's referring to the day before she took off when I blew up at her for doing this to everyone telling her she needed to man up and take care of her own responsibility which also meant that if she is leaving, she needs to take my father with her and she agreed...at the time} and I am sorry taking care of your Dad is such an ordeal {it is, but I have NOT EVEN ONCE said a thing to her about any of the things I am going through with him} So, I wish I had done everything different. From the bottom of my heart I am so sorry.
Me: That day, on my bed, you also said you were taking Dad with you.
Mom: That was just not possible.
Me: Considering that alleged apology happened that day as well, you can imagine why it holds ZERO significance.
And I haven't heard from her since. She did call my father yesterday evening, about an hour after this text conversation ended. She told him that apparently we care about her anymore and don't want her here or want to see her so she is going to get a motel.
She's my mother, of course I care and I do love her. But I don't like her at all. I don't owe her anything, she owes me...everything. Howard keeps asking me if this situation was finally my breaking point with her, and yeah...it really is. I don't regret anything I have said and done in this situation. I have kept my integrity and stood my ground.
It makes me feel so good.
♥ Kristin
So, she's coming back.
And yesterday this text conversation occurred: {exact texts are in Italics}
Mom: So I will be there Sun evening and was gonna share Mackenzie's bed is that a problem?
Ha, you ask...but you already know.
Me: That is not possible. Dad is still here, obviously and he has told everyone he has come into contact with that he fully intends to strangle you the next time he sees you. Also, Howard does NOT want to see you. Also, I am still beyond hurt and angry about what you took off and left me to deal with, with no regard to what you ere leaving in your wake and I am not the only one that feels that way.
Mom: I made some really bad choices. My mother is dying and my Dad's heart is breaking and I cannot undo what I have done. I will stay in a motel but can I see the kids and can you take me to court?
Me: Yes, you most certainly did. And I know what your parents are going through is a terrible ordeal. But as noble as your purpose is for being there it doesn't erase what you did to Dad, me, Howard and the kids. They don't cancel each other out. And yes, you can see the kids, and yes, I will take you to court.
Mom: Thank u
Mom: There was nothing noble about wrecking mine and y'all's life and I will be sorry and pay for it forever. I make bad decisions anyway but this hurt, this helpless grief I am going through right no is pretty overwhelming and I just want to cuddle both my parents in my arms and make it better, but I can't.
Me: No, there wasn't. And I'm surprised you're sorry because you sure haven't said it. I can appreciate what you're going through Mom. I can't say I understand it because I've never gone through that but I can imagine. I am thankful that you are there for them and for you but like I said, it;s hard to deal with the level of betrayal that you committed against us. You have no idea what it feels like to always back someone up, always try to help them through anything hard in life no matter what to have them all but physically spit in your face. It hurts, and I'm angry, but that's temporary, I'll get over it. What IS important is what your parents are going through but I cannot ignore what I have been through either. I cannot allow you into my home, a home full of people with a lot of negative emotion towards you and act like nothing happened.
Mom: I did say sorry, that day on your bed {She's referring to the day before she took off when I blew up at her for doing this to everyone telling her she needed to man up and take care of her own responsibility which also meant that if she is leaving, she needs to take my father with her and she agreed...at the time} and I am sorry taking care of your Dad is such an ordeal {it is, but I have NOT EVEN ONCE said a thing to her about any of the things I am going through with him} So, I wish I had done everything different. From the bottom of my heart I am so sorry.
Me: That day, on my bed, you also said you were taking Dad with you.
Mom: That was just not possible.
Me: Considering that alleged apology happened that day as well, you can imagine why it holds ZERO significance.
And I haven't heard from her since. She did call my father yesterday evening, about an hour after this text conversation ended. She told him that apparently we care about her anymore and don't want her here or want to see her so she is going to get a motel.
She's my mother, of course I care and I do love her. But I don't like her at all. I don't owe her anything, she owes me...everything. Howard keeps asking me if this situation was finally my breaking point with her, and yeah...it really is. I don't regret anything I have said and done in this situation. I have kept my integrity and stood my ground.
It makes me feel so good.
♥ Kristin
Monday, September 26, 2011
To my son, on your 2nd birthday
Dear Bubbers,
I cannot believe you are two years old already. I can't comprehend how my life was without you in it because you have made it so full. Full of laughter, tears and joy. I am still afraid of you, and probably will be until my dying day. The love I have with your father swept me off my feet, but our love little man...it lopped my head right off.
I never pictured having a son, I had never been around boys at all. I cannot even explain in words how thankful that I am to have had you. To have had this amazing opportunity to raise you and see what you will become with your outrageous personality and heart stopping smile.
You've grown a ton, now towering over your (older) bestie Cael by 4 inches when not even 6 months ago you two were the same height. You'll love that height when you get older, you're welcome for that. We all know you didn't get that from your Daddy (sorry Howard, it's true). For now it makes all your pants shorter then they should be.
Your current obsessions are Mickey Mouse, Yo Gabba Gabba, Wow Wow Wubzy and Ni Hao Kai Lan. You love all things trains, trucks...anything that has an engine (Gee, I wonder where he gets that from). You also love balls (take that as you will), balloons, being outside, and pestering your sisters to death.
You said your longest sentence to date on your birthday. I told you to say "Thank you for my PJ's Grandma, I love you." and you repeated me...but it sounded like this "Daint Du fur ma JJ's Gramma, I dus you."
You are an amazing little creature that constantly brings a smile to all of our faces. You are silly, hysterical and full of testosterone. Thank you so much for coming into our lives and bringing it such joy and laughter.
I cannot believe you are two years old already. I can't comprehend how my life was without you in it because you have made it so full. Full of laughter, tears and joy. I am still afraid of you, and probably will be until my dying day. The love I have with your father swept me off my feet, but our love little man...it lopped my head right off.
I never pictured having a son, I had never been around boys at all. I cannot even explain in words how thankful that I am to have had you. To have had this amazing opportunity to raise you and see what you will become with your outrageous personality and heart stopping smile.
You've grown a ton, now towering over your (older) bestie Cael by 4 inches when not even 6 months ago you two were the same height. You'll love that height when you get older, you're welcome for that. We all know you didn't get that from your Daddy (sorry Howard, it's true). For now it makes all your pants shorter then they should be.
Your current obsessions are Mickey Mouse, Yo Gabba Gabba, Wow Wow Wubzy and Ni Hao Kai Lan. You love all things trains, trucks...anything that has an engine (Gee, I wonder where he gets that from). You also love balls (take that as you will), balloons, being outside, and pestering your sisters to death.
You said your longest sentence to date on your birthday. I told you to say "Thank you for my PJ's Grandma, I love you." and you repeated me...but it sounded like this "Daint Du fur ma JJ's Gramma, I dus you."
You are an amazing little creature that constantly brings a smile to all of our faces. You are silly, hysterical and full of testosterone. Thank you so much for coming into our lives and bringing it such joy and laughter.
I love you Parker Philip, My sweet boy, My Bubbers,
Always,
Mommy
Mommy
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